Aquatakat.com

Philosophical suicide being religion or agnosticism. The idea that there is a god or a guide force in the universe that gives people purpose. Logically, this idea is absurd, for reasons so numerously mentioned elsewhere on the Internet I will not delve into them.

I have a very specific set of beliefs about the world, some of which I am beginning to find ugly and inconvenient. Beliefs is probably not the right word. Conclusions, perhaps. These conclusions have been shaped by each experience I've had. These conclusions have been drawn without omitting any of these experiences. Keep in mind that philosophical suicide requires omission of experiences or avoidance of knowledge in order to remain valid.

Why do I call it philosophical suicide? It's a term coined from a smart person writing Wikipedia articles. It is very apt. It is taking questions like "Why are we here?" and replacing them with a, by its very nature, unknowable entity. It asks no exploration or questioning; just a belief or a faith that something somewhere knows the answers. It stops that chain of thought. That's probably a good thing.

My conclusions have led me to the following realisation. Everything is pointless. Literally everything. Nothing matters. This is simply because every decision we make as individuals and everything we do is tailored in order to keep ourselves alive. It is where we came from. We exist because we want to exist. Our want to exist is borne from the fact that we exist. And our purpose in life is to continue to want to exist until we can't exist any longer. It is all very existential and it is surely very pretentious. Don't think I'm so deluded to think that I'm making a grandiose revelation. Tons of people come to this conclusion as well. Most of them commit suicide. Others commit philosophical suicide. Some do neither, and live with the knowledge. They may attempt to create meaning where there is none. Or they may not. I'm not, and I hate it.

See, if nothing matters, then I'm reduced to just living out my life until I die, knowing this. I think about every decision I make introspectively and fastidiously. I manage to drill every decision I make in life down to their root of it sustains my existence. Some are direct, like eating or having sex. Some are not, like entertainment or work. But they all end up with the same result. There are exceptions to this rule. I chalk them up to mishaps through mutations during natural selection.

It's difficult to think this way. It's difficult that I don't know anyone else that thinks this way. It's hard for me, and it depresses me. I try to convince myself that being sad about this is just a reaction to not being able to share in this knowledge with someone. But then I realise the fact that I think like that is just because I am instinctually trying to seek out other people in order to propagate the species, or some other function of existing. It is a vicious cycle of thought. I do my best to shut it down, but I can't. I get angry or depressed. It's hard. What's even more difficult is my philosophical suicide (in which I've decided nothing matters) must actually be correct. I'm accepting this as truth not because knowing will do me good, because it most certainly is not, but because it's what logic tells me.

I wish I could believe in a god. I really do. Or find meaning some other way where there is none. It would make things so much easier.

Maybe I am broken. Maybe I shouldn't think clearly. Maybe I'm not thinking clearly. I'm sure a pharmaceutical company could neuter my brain to make me think happy thoughts. I think that might be wonderful. But as it stands right now, I function in society just fine. It's just... Everything feels fake. When I talk to people, it feels like everything I hear and say in response is a game—a facade. I analyse all my words and am too deliberate. I envy those that don't and aren't.

The only reason I'm posting this here is because this site is dead and no one will care. I want this somewhere to use as evidence if I ever have to go see a psychiatrist or something.

Oh by the way I'm gay and if you hadn't already figured that out you're probably retarded. I used #0080ff Trebuchet MS for fucks sake.

lemon circle

My mom is the type that believes in god solely because its depressing not to think that way, she gets really angry that I don't though, because she thinks that I must be as depressed as she was without "god". The thing is I'm happy because I want to be and that's okay for now. You could call it ignorance but eh.

You're going through a crisis and god isn't going to help you and no one else really can either. You'll get by though. This is coming from someone that threatened suicide in High School btw. Don't do that cause its messy.

@IWHS

That assumes that either a duplicate experience is not real, which it is not, or that a duplicate experience is somehow cheapened or faked. It also assumes that it's not possible to experience something new.

Whether or not anything exists would be a moot point, especially when dealing with an abstract like experiences.

@Chipps

A god isn't an answer because I can't believe in one because there's no reason that one exists. And even if one did exist that wouldn't resolve my dilemma. It's the idea of a creature or concept designed to give me purpose and no other reason that I can't wrap my head around. It's the fact that I've determined that there is no purpose to anything, ever.

I think the word you're looking for is "fabulous," not "jolly."